"Screw it! I don't want to feel grateful, I want to feel bitchy."
Ever had those days?
I had a rough go yesterday- it's affected today's mood à-la-bigtime.
Although experiences like that are far and few between, I literally felt like the recipient of everyone's passive aggressive behavior- like a bloody punching bag- it seemed to be the theme of the day. It's hard to get a grip on your feelings when it's coming from all angles...
Dammit, Knock it off!!!!!!!
...and all you can think to yourself is, I don't deserve this!
Yesterday I was caught off guard.
Today, I'm slightly on the defensive.
If it looks like it's coming my way, if it feels like it's coming my way or if it smells like it's coming my way, Oh, Hell-to-the-No. You'd better run! A tell tale sign that there's emotional residue that needs cleaning up and I should probably steer clear of people until I do that.
I think what bothers me the most during days like yesterday is that I fall into Daughter Energy. Questions I start asking myself as I stomp my feet and have an inner tantrum; questions that sound a lot like...
Why should I put so much damn effort into how I affect others if they're not going to offer me the same sensitivity?
Why should I tread lightly?
In what lifetime did I let them believe they were allowed to treat me like this?
Why should I do all this work trying to improve my emotional state & mindset if everyone else is just going to abnegate personal accountability?!
Why should I hold back from lashing out and lettin' 'em have it?
Do they think they're the only ones who can muster some low blow potshots?
Then I have to remind myself, that the reason I work on myself, is not about or for them, it's about and for me. And the reason I handled each situation with compassion, respect but also self-respect is because I have promised myself that I was going to start making empowered decisions in my life the way a woman would, and not a child.
Sometimes, emotionally, I just don't want to make empowered decisions. Sometimes, it would feel more satisfying to tear some one down because they've hurt me. Sometimes, it would satisfy my anger, to stir up the drama and keep it going just to put people in their place in the most belittling way. But that would make me reactive and as a result, a slave to my feelings. I ain't no slave.
I always know what the better approach is; what that looks like and what that sounds like. Yesterday, time and time again, I made empowered decisions in spite of how emotionally raw and disempowered I was feeling. Sometimes you go through the motions, because you know that when the dust settles, boundaries will have been enforced in a healthy way.
Also because, today, even though I'm feeling out of sorts, even though I know that I have to dialog with myself over how I'm feeling, I get to have no regrets as to how I treated anyone. How we handle difficult people & experiences build our personalities.
I can hold my head up knowing with certainty that I exercised personal control and accountability; understanding that emotions are flighty and temporary, and when they'll shift, and they will, I'll be left with feelings of self- appreciation, gratification, satisfaction and peace as opposed to guilt, shame and regret. Sometimes you fake it till you make it, because the age old saying isn't when you feel better you do better, it's when you know better, you do better.