December 24, 2014

i ain't no half-assed human

Oh how I needed to pull back and reassess.

I’m a wildly passionate woman who approaches much in life with gusto and enthusiasm. I don’t do anything halfway, and moderation doesn’t come to visit my vocabulary often. It’s been a blessing in so many ways and a curse in others.

I took to motherhood with all my life force. When I make a new friend, I give my all. I set out to make a difference in the world while firing on all cylinders. I started my business fueled by the intensity and deep rooted desire to make it so. Everything I do, I do with conviction until it is a full being experience. 

I’m insatiable. It use to piss me off, but I see now that my hunger is what has kept me going. When nothing can entirely satiate a person, they’re more likely to hunt for life’s spice and flavor until they can find that thing that fills them up. The pleasure is in the hunt!

I see opportunity everywhere. An opportunity for success, an opportunity to help, and opportunity to be of service, an opportunity to change a legacy, raise the bar and lead the way; an opportunity to listen, an opportunity to learn, to share and to grow.  There’s always something and someone new, and it’s exciting, and invigorating, and deeply, deeply satisfying to be able to feel such excitement so fiercely.

My downfall has been my resistance to the time allotment I was given. I don’t know how many years I’ll be blessed with. None of us know. But I do know that I harbor so much frustration over the fact that I have only been given, as we all have, 24 hours in a day. My time is my most valuable commodity and I guard it with my life, yet still give it away with all my heart when I feel called to do so..I wish I had the time to do everything that tugs at my soul, and I don’t! I wish I had the time to tend to it all with the thoroughness and tender that I know I’m capable of, but I can't under 24 hour conditions. 

I use to think that my biggest fear is that I would run out of time, but after some much needed introspection, I ripped the layers clean off, realizing my biggest fear is that I will leave this world having done a whole lot of nothing worth a damn.

I struggle with balance.

I’ve just realized that in spite of all the opportunity that I can so clearly see, I have not learned to identify whether it’s an opportunity for me, or if it would be an opportunity best suited for someone else.

Therein lays my challenge. I see possibility everywhere; my ability to focus on what’s possible in life has been my saving grace; a grace most have been robbed of over the years. I was taught never to look a gift horse in the mouth. I’ve whittled this particular challenge that I face down to that very belief wiring.

How dare I say no to life!

Right now marks the time where I've realized that I can still see possibility every where on this earth while knowing that being selective doesn’t mean I’m saying no to life’s possibilities. It just means that I’m saying yes to a life that’s tailored for me.  I highly doubt that my exuberant way of navigating my journey will ever change. But I don’t care to do anything that I can’t do with every ounce of my being.

With that knowingness, I had to acknowledge that I tend to bite off more than I can chew. Although, my intentions are always for the best, I end up becoming a half-assed human who does half assed work in the world. I can’t live like that.

What a hugely freeing realization.      

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