January 11, 2015

that moment you become the biggest problem you have

November but especially December, were hands down the most difficult months of 2014 for me. 

What an emotional roller coaster ride. 

For someone who prides herself in an ability to manage her emotional state, times like these really do a number on me since I haven't mastered the art of letting go of control quite yet—not organically or easily, anyways. 

I'm far better at it than I use to be, but there are times where I really let it get the best of me and end up making choices from a fear based place. We all know how well that story ends. 

I can typically handle challenging months as they come and go, but this time around I let my discouragement take the wind right out of my sails. Once that happened, I became further disappointed in myself for letting it happen.

This is yet another example of how we believe we can control everything. 

This is yet another example of what happens if you hold onto ideas too tightly. 

This is yet another example of how we resist what is happening to us, because we don't want it to be happening.

Truth is, sometimes shit happens along the way.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off

Dear Gloria Steinem, you were right. Of course you were. 

I had this idea: that I was going to start 2015 with a clean slate. I had big plans. Strategic action steps, specific goals for a bigger vision and I worked hard all year to make that happen. 

When November and December came along with their unanticipated flighty life happenings, it put a massive dent in my plans. 

I was scared and utterly crushed by disappointment.

This wasn’t going to be a quick fix.

 2014 ended right about the time I got good and pissed off.

Really pissed off.

It took almost two months for me to stop feeling discouraged and fearful, and instead, get angry and insubordinate. 

I had to revisit a question that I first asked myself a long time ago when I set out on this journey: 

Are you willing to do whatever it takes, no matter what?

I answered yes at the time—that was bullshit, except I didn’t know enough to know it was bullshit.

What I realize now (Thanks to Dr. David Hawkins' work)

Doing whatever it takes resentfully and bitterly, does not mean you are willing to do what it takes. It means you're still stuck in your anger and moseying along from that place.

When you're willing to do whatever it takes, you've since succumb to what has happened and are able to loosen your death grip on what "could have been and should have been" 

It doesn't mean you get passive and become a victim of these circumstances. It doesn't mean you just miserably sit a midst the crap affirming oh well, it is what it is.   

It means that you’ve surrendered to what is happening in the moment and you've also made the decision to work with what is happening, rather than fight against it—you make choices, from the choices you do have. 

Whether or not we like what’s happening, it’s still happening.
And I had to ask myself... So now what?

I had to decide to believe that this chaotic shit storm didn’t derail me, nor did I have to let it derail me—I had to change directions, yes, but I am not off track. My destination hasn’t changed the route and direction has.

People with control-freaky tendencies [like me] aren’t huge fans of detours since they require some blind faith that they’ll take us in the right direction.  

It took me a while to notice that I was so hung up on how I got to where I wanted to go, I’d often give up going all together if my preferred way was no longer an option.

So yeah, a little bumped and bruised, I’m now moving in a different direction but heading towards the same destination. 

The goal hasn’t changed. Phew. 

I’m willing to do whatever it takes, no matter what.



  1. Amen sister!!!!! That is #LivingSugarFree. We miss you at http://tsu.co/JenTaylor for anyone who thinks social media is not about the people. I came looking for you and got blessed. Awesome post, we truly are birds of a feather my dear. Sending you smoke signals and hugs. Can't wait to see what you are up too. xoxo

  2. I've been missing y'all over at https://www.tsu.co/SugarFreeCoach as well! Birds of a feather, that we are! I love my birds. The further I go, the larger the flock becomes! I really love that you sent out smoke signals! xo